Latchkey Librarian

I have been absolutely obsessed with visiting Sequoia National Park for over a year. It is, however, a nine-hour drive away, so I haven’t just hopped over for a day trip. However, in a fit of birthday money, I booked a hotel, gassed up the car, and, after a pit stop in LA’s Little Tokyo to pick up some kombini-style grub at a Japanese grocery store, got to my hotel.

Hotel dude had a large printmaking equipment tattoo on him. Obvious from the brayer (go, art degree). He said I was the only one who knew what they were. Have fun explaining that tattoo for the rest of your life (I got tired of explaining one of mine and got it covered up as soon as the idea hit me).

I got up stupid early and, even with the drive, arrived at the park before 7:30am. I compounded this with going on a Monday to achieve maximum park emptiness. So empty, even the park rangers were not yet at the booths to take my sweet, sweet money. My lawful good energy made me feel like a total criminal going into the park. I kept thinking that I would be pulled over to see if I paid, and the punishment would be being pushed off the side of the mountain, car and all, as a warning to others.

So I’m there with like, three whole other cars in the entire park, which is the ONLY REASON WHY I HAVE THIS PICTURE as I would have never otherwise run out of my car on a fully functioning road to take this photo.

I went to Moro Rock. People were getting out in hiking gear to go up it. I said “yeah nah” and drove on. I was so proud of myself for knowing what would be the death of me (and because I could get a great photo of the rock from the road), but that pride was short-lived as I got to real destination #1: Crescent Meadow. Barely even a walk from the parking lot and so pretty!

And look, only a bit of a jaunt away was another landmark called Tharp’s Log (whatever the hell that was). Only .8 of a mile away. “NO PROBLEM”, she said, having easily done longer hikes when 75 pounds lighter and a cardio queen. I went from walking to trudging, looking desperately for a memorable-enough log to be a landmark. I was about to just lie down and die when I finally found it.

Tharp’s Log is a child’s fever dream of what they would build if abandoned in a forest ala Hatchet. While this picture only shows the front, it is part of a downed hollow Sequoia tree. Not gonna lie, this lives in my head rent-free, thinking about how someone got to live this dream, and that it was so awesome that it is still being maintained by the park 165 years after it was built. Even John Muir and his mule chilled with Tharp. Was Tharp like, “Yo, John, check out my log cabin! Get it?? LOG. JUST THE ONE!!” I bet he was hilarious at parties.

After that, I followed another sign for another thing. Then followed a sign for something else. All in all, I ended up stumbling around for about an hour and a half. NOT my intention. By the time I was done there, traffic was aplenty, but I would fail in my tourist duties if I didn’t see General Sherman, the biggest tree in the world. I had to park all stupid far away, but walking down I was all, “this isn’t so bad”. General Sherman is MASSIVE, but photos absolutely do not do it justice. Here’s a picture, anyway.

Afterwards, I climbed back up the hill… of DOOM. I had to stop so many times. It was then that I finally appreciated the signs talking about how the high altitude (6,000+ft) would seriously make you reconsider your life choices. At one point, another guy and I were both dealing with the effects of the altitude, just sitting on a bench, panting away. They say that shared trauma brings people closer. We wished each other luck when I continued on my way.

I got to my car and was like, NEVER AGAIN.

Then I remembered that I hadn’t gotten any souvenir magnets. I was SO MAD at the world in that moment, because I knew that I would not feel whole without fridge swag.

The parking to the museum (and souvenirs) was SO FAR AWAY that I had to take ANOTHER hiking trail to get there. Very short, beautiful views, but it felt like an eternity at this point in life.

Magnets in hand, it was time to go back. I was a total nerd and bought a park pass on my way out to ease my conscience.

A word of caution. There is NO cellphone service at the park, so if you are listening to anything streaming on your phone and then forget that your audio is still on in your car, DON’T FORGET that at some point, music will randomly turn on at its original overly-loud volume while you are trying to navigate the hairpin turns on the mountains leaving the park. I was blessed to have the most jarring song start playing out of the blue.

After not flying off of the road with those sudden horns, I found food, water, and alcohol and otherwise didn’t move for a long time. On my way home I had an interesting moment involving a sex worker, pimp, and a gorgeous low rider, but that’s for another time.